English test studying,warning for missery~outburst

But also LOVE

I got a friend comming up to me today, ''Tora...You are always so happy, do you ever stop? You always seem soo confident and it's like everyone loves you.''

...Kay, first offffff...
I am more sad than happy in my time... I guess that's just the way of early teen years...But if I don't atlest try and smile or make anyone else laugh at my bad jokes... I wouldn't survive, seriously. I NEED that time, I usually take it out in school, which, sorry enough gets out over the people i spend a lot of time with. Like my girlfriend, parents n stuff. I'm really sorry, dont really wan't to be a downcast smiley... I wan't to be that light in everyone's everyday that I have been called here and then.

I don't wanna drag people down, I have just been feeling very lonely lately. I don't mean to bring people down here either, it just helps when I feel bad about something. Kionda feel like a fake, people in school seems to me as ALWAYS happy and nice... I can be kinda rotten at times, I love you my darling for still loving me at my bad times. You know you mean the world to me, you always try and help me out<333333
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I have THE WORST SELFCONFIDENCE..... REALLY I know that I really feel guilty when even giving my a crumb of self~cred. That's why I almost cry everytime people say something nice about me, since I was a kid(well more of a kid than now, i will NEVER grow up!!) I have been desperatly trying to make people like me, it never went anywhere more in the end than that I ruined myself... I TRY, everyday to look in the mirror and see something awesome about me... Sometimes it's there.... Somethimes NOT. My pictures, my way of putting on my make up. I have a hard time for critics... If not useable.... Even if it is said as a caring thing... I have a hard time taking it other than bad on myself... Cosplay has helped me a lot, think thats why I am so damn trapped in my shell right now, for the lack of itXD... I know you get strange looks every once in a while but yet, it gives inner strenght.... Because I know that they who cast those looks would never fucking DARE, not like I do.
I am extreamly concerned about my looks....Yeah, I'm hooked like that... My skin, my nose, my tanuki circels, scars, hair....And on. I know I wouldn't change a thing, but yet... The human will always compare to others, one way or another.

Yet.... Since I was able to get such a gorgeous mermaid on my hook (even if it might have been SHE who trapped me, enchanted me~) I have to have something about me that such a lovely creature can find charming... Like my *pat~~pat ~~patty feet*

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LOVES ME???? Uhmn, nooo... I think many people think I am very ''Over the top, too much and weird...LOUD...XD And very, very skitzoo''...Perhaps Lazy too... unmotivated... In need of attention, selfish....DUnno...Perhaps that's more what I can see.. But I do know people have to tell me to shut the fu*k up at times... Sorry, I love to chatter away. And sing, every bad song there is!!

I try to respect myself, because perhaps others will too then. But as many as you probably found out atleast once in your lives, it's hard to accept your roomate, you that is.... But I guess trying is sucess's cousine!

Spread the love, babies!
//Rainbowtigerpaws~~